Okay, so I'm somewhere else...
I read something about denial earlier.
On a campus of about eight hundred, with at least a good three hundred of those attending satellite programs in local high schools and community centers, and another chunk taking only night classes, which I don't take, it's not hard to get to know most everyone. I graduated high school in a class of 310, and I knew plenty kids in the lower grades. I've worked places that had hundreds on the payroll and knew most if not all of them. I'm also in my last year of undergrad studies, so I know all the faculty, all the staff. And, I've been prominent in several different campus organizations. So, I've seen the look, the smile, a lot in the past week.
"Congratulations! I heard your news! That's wonderful. Oh, you have worked so hard, and you deserve it!!" Immediately, the hitch inside gets me. I start lining up all the reasons why they're not my accomplishments, but those of my environment. I self-deprecate. I can't say a simple thank you, but must go on & on about how I could never have done anything alone. I make it sound like I have support to brush my teeth in the morning. It's embarrassing, and I'm sure, after having repeated it so many times, it sounds like false humility.
I do believe that I've been given certain opportunities, and I also believe that if others hadn't seen it in me, they wouldn't have been made available to me. Or, I'd have quit and decided it was too much work.
Who takes every single English course with honors when, really, there's no perk other than getting a better education and a certificate once a year to prove that I've done it? No Schreyer Honors College. No designation on my diploma. Just writing a lot of annotated bibliographies, doing extra research, giving presentations, and learning how to write decent appendices. Who studies hard even those subjects that are required, but not especially interesting or applicable to future career goals?
Who raises four kids, nurtures a new marriage, works with a bunch of recovering women on & off campus, chairs the honors society, raises awareness in regards to woman-specific issues, protests war, finds time to meditate rather than medicate, does physical therapy, writes a 900 page book on the art of internet communication, works as a tutor, speaks at community events and rallies, finds time to raise and preserve her own vegetables and sauces, and learns to identify most Western Pennsylvania backyard bird species (which is a damned good thing, because it was that essay, about the birds, that got me acceptances into three, possibly four MFA programs, as well as that extra fellowship award). Not many people.
Okay, there's my boast for the day, my self-centered musing on all my good works. I didn't even play the 82 yr old mother card, or the not-long-dead father card.
I believe I've hit on the real reason, though, that I can't take credit for all I know that I do, all I know I can do. I want others to think of me as an intelligent, capable woman, a good writer and a caring human being, and at the same time, I fear so much that others will consider me an egomaniac. Will saying thank you, without giving an speech appropriate for an Academy Award winner make me less humble in the eyes of others?
On this side, I am a middle-aged, disabled (I no longer think crippled) woman with multiple conditions and mobility issues, alcoholic/drug addict in recovery, with a poor and abusive upbringing.
On that side, I'm a writer; sometime-poet; avid blogger; gardener; mother of four teenagers; beloved of a most loving, intelligent, funny man; community servant; honors student, dean's list every semester; tutor/mentor; have a 3 1/2 page CV with very modest publishing credits, but incredible awards, scholastic honors, and presentation experience; and last, but not least, I'm liked and respected by most people I have come to know.
Why can't I own it all, even if it's joint ownership? It's mine, isn't it?
Till later...
"If God was tapping on your shoulder, trying to get your undivided attention, what would she want you to see? What situation or feeling are you not willing to acknowledge? Is there an area of your life where you're not succeeding? If so, you're probably in denial."I'm not succeeding at embracing my own success. Here's how it goes: I see someone coming towards me wearing that certain smile. You know the one. They've heard some news about you, and now they want to comment on it, make small talk, offer (if appropriate) congratulations.
On a campus of about eight hundred, with at least a good three hundred of those attending satellite programs in local high schools and community centers, and another chunk taking only night classes, which I don't take, it's not hard to get to know most everyone. I graduated high school in a class of 310, and I knew plenty kids in the lower grades. I've worked places that had hundreds on the payroll and knew most if not all of them. I'm also in my last year of undergrad studies, so I know all the faculty, all the staff. And, I've been prominent in several different campus organizations. So, I've seen the look, the smile, a lot in the past week.
"Congratulations! I heard your news! That's wonderful. Oh, you have worked so hard, and you deserve it!!" Immediately, the hitch inside gets me. I start lining up all the reasons why they're not my accomplishments, but those of my environment. I self-deprecate. I can't say a simple thank you, but must go on & on about how I could never have done anything alone. I make it sound like I have support to brush my teeth in the morning. It's embarrassing, and I'm sure, after having repeated it so many times, it sounds like false humility.
I do believe that I've been given certain opportunities, and I also believe that if others hadn't seen it in me, they wouldn't have been made available to me. Or, I'd have quit and decided it was too much work.
Who takes every single English course with honors when, really, there's no perk other than getting a better education and a certificate once a year to prove that I've done it? No Schreyer Honors College. No designation on my diploma. Just writing a lot of annotated bibliographies, doing extra research, giving presentations, and learning how to write decent appendices. Who studies hard even those subjects that are required, but not especially interesting or applicable to future career goals?
Who raises four kids, nurtures a new marriage, works with a bunch of recovering women on & off campus, chairs the honors society, raises awareness in regards to woman-specific issues, protests war, finds time to meditate rather than medicate, does physical therapy, writes a 900 page book on the art of internet communication, works as a tutor, speaks at community events and rallies, finds time to raise and preserve her own vegetables and sauces, and learns to identify most Western Pennsylvania backyard bird species (which is a damned good thing, because it was that essay, about the birds, that got me acceptances into three, possibly four MFA programs, as well as that extra fellowship award). Not many people.
Okay, there's my boast for the day, my self-centered musing on all my good works. I didn't even play the 82 yr old mother card, or the not-long-dead father card.
I believe I've hit on the real reason, though, that I can't take credit for all I know that I do, all I know I can do. I want others to think of me as an intelligent, capable woman, a good writer and a caring human being, and at the same time, I fear so much that others will consider me an egomaniac. Will saying thank you, without giving an speech appropriate for an Academy Award winner make me less humble in the eyes of others?
On this side, I am a middle-aged, disabled (I no longer think crippled) woman with multiple conditions and mobility issues, alcoholic/drug addict in recovery, with a poor and abusive upbringing.
On that side, I'm a writer; sometime-poet; avid blogger; gardener; mother of four teenagers; beloved of a most loving, intelligent, funny man; community servant; honors student, dean's list every semester; tutor/mentor; have a 3 1/2 page CV with very modest publishing credits, but incredible awards, scholastic honors, and presentation experience; and last, but not least, I'm liked and respected by most people I have come to know.
Why can't I own it all, even if it's joint ownership? It's mine, isn't it?
Till later...
Comments
In an odd way, by condemning the modest person who has difficulty accepting praise (you), it's just another way you're judging yourself. You're achievements are wonderful by the way, and it must have taken a wonderful person to achieve them. I think it's very noble of you to always look higher.
Just a thought.
I guess I just want to know that I can do this thing, even if the thought is accompanied by another, that I can do this thing better.
I was in the mood to whine, and why I insist on doing it so publicly, I don't know.
Thank you for your thoughtful - and sensitive - response. I think you're right on about it. If you settle on Pitt, you've got an ear when you need it, A.