Why not?
Well, maybe it's the pain in my body today. I could have gone out, could have gone to class, could have gone to work, could have gone in for a meeting tonight. But I didn't. I weighed the costs & benefits and made the decision to stay home.
But it has me concerned. If not for the induction ceremony tomorrow, the last I will preside over, I probably would have practiced pushing my limits today. I've done a lot of that in the last five years, and, though more painful than I'd like for it to be at times, it's been worth it. I can do things now that I wouldn't have dreamed possible five years ago.
My son brought me pizza. He even removed the pepperoni from it, and he'll check in on me in awhile. I'm resting up. I want to get out of here tomorrow, and to do that and not screw it up, I have to rest today. I'm surrounded by love and support.
Will it be that way this time next year? How will George react if he hears the pain in my voice when we wish each other goodnight on the phone, knowing I am alone with my transient misery? Because I know it doesn't last long, and I know I can push through it. Today, I just choose not to. I know that I can do it, because I've done it over and over, each time I allowed new growth to break through to the surface. It's been almost three months since my last "bad spell." That's not too shabby, considering every day was more of the same "bad spell" for a very long time.
I will be living in the city of Pittsburgh this time next year, living there during the week, and traveling home, to my real home, on the weekends. I will be alone. If I live close enough to the campus, Christopher can stop by, and I'm sure, be there if I need him to be. But he'll have his own life, and I don't want to be overly intrusive. I also don't want to become dependent. I am, after all, the parent. I do depend on them now, don't I? We'll see.
I just signed my letter of intent today, and it's now in the mail, along with Christopher's tuition deposit. Next step: appointment with my favorite therapist.
Till later...
But it has me concerned. If not for the induction ceremony tomorrow, the last I will preside over, I probably would have practiced pushing my limits today. I've done a lot of that in the last five years, and, though more painful than I'd like for it to be at times, it's been worth it. I can do things now that I wouldn't have dreamed possible five years ago.
My son brought me pizza. He even removed the pepperoni from it, and he'll check in on me in awhile. I'm resting up. I want to get out of here tomorrow, and to do that and not screw it up, I have to rest today. I'm surrounded by love and support.
Will it be that way this time next year? How will George react if he hears the pain in my voice when we wish each other goodnight on the phone, knowing I am alone with my transient misery? Because I know it doesn't last long, and I know I can push through it. Today, I just choose not to. I know that I can do it, because I've done it over and over, each time I allowed new growth to break through to the surface. It's been almost three months since my last "bad spell." That's not too shabby, considering every day was more of the same "bad spell" for a very long time.
I will be living in the city of Pittsburgh this time next year, living there during the week, and traveling home, to my real home, on the weekends. I will be alone. If I live close enough to the campus, Christopher can stop by, and I'm sure, be there if I need him to be. But he'll have his own life, and I don't want to be overly intrusive. I also don't want to become dependent. I am, after all, the parent. I do depend on them now, don't I? We'll see.
I just signed my letter of intent today, and it's now in the mail, along with Christopher's tuition deposit. Next step: appointment with my favorite therapist.
Till later...
Comments
Yes, it is sacrifice, and not just my own, but what else can I do? I'm just following the arrows, and they're pointing directly at Pittsburgh.
It's good to hear from you, K.
Hang in there, pensive. The ship is a-comin'.