Outbursts
I'm trying to get at what's beneath the outburst. My last post was part whine-fest, part tantrum, and, the larger part, an exercise in ego. Kind of like taping an affirmation on the bathroom mirror and repeating it over and over, believing, but being afraid to believe. It feels silly and uncomfortable and still, kind of good at the same time.
I spent an interesting afternoon yesterday with a couple of other women from campus. We were meeting to choose from nominees for a mentorship award. I won the award last year, an unusual accomplishment for a student. On the off-chance that I alert the wrong person before April 18th, when I will stand at the podium and honor this woman, I won't say who we picked. Geeze - that means I can't even allude to our choice in any significant way! Well, part of some forms of creative writing is finding a way to say what one needs to say inside a certain structure, or under certain limitations. So, I'll give it a shot.
These two women sitting with me - both staff, one from the IT department, the other, director of admissions, were sharing their stories with me. Both are working mothers, as is our recipient (See? That doesn't drastically narrow it. There are lots of working moms - both students, faculty, staff on campus.). Both have affected me by the way they carry themselves, as has our recipient. And both admitted to me certain difficulties in their jobs that they believe are woman-specific. Strangely enough, those difficulties have arisen from dealing with other women, or one woman in particular, who demands of them that they show no emotion that might point to a weakness. In other words, no emotion that's thought of as "feminine."
I think that's why this certain, hyper-critical woman seems to like me -- most of the time. She likes me because she knows a bit of my history, and she knows I minimize pain and other challenges. I don't think that she likes that I express my opinions and never flinch. And though I tend to respond rather evenly to criticism and have a pragmatic, solution-oriented approach to others who bring a problem to me, I'd like to reserve my right to express myself in any way that I see fit.
I suppose the conversation yesterday combined with my discomfort at being the center of attention on campus lately has me thinking, and in large measure, I was expressing ego that I feel is inappropriate or impolite and not in line with the view I wish others to have of me. And therein lies the rub. I am trying to spin a situation that requires no spin. Saying thank you is a very appropriate response. Answering questions honestly is not so hard. What's honest? I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to create too much friction in the Universe, just follow where it leads me.
It's led me to a place that I love. I love my life, with all its challenges. Maybe because of all of its challenges. It's a lot easier to live in a state of gratitude knowing that faith and hard work pay off, that people are essentially good and supportive of each other and will help you when you need it, that you can make time to help another person along the way, and it doesn't take from you but rather adds to you.
I just don't get why I feel the need to whine in order to say it. Perhaps I'm saying, "Yes, I have ego, but I have something else, too, something that makes me appreciate even the smallest things, like the chickadees that empty my feeder at a rate that defies their small size, and I'd like others to know that." Or appreciate a woman taking me by the hand and showing empathy, excitement, sharing joy and sorrow, and saying to hell with how someone else expects her to act.
I need to have an outburst every once in awhile. I reserve that right.
Till later...
I spent an interesting afternoon yesterday with a couple of other women from campus. We were meeting to choose from nominees for a mentorship award. I won the award last year, an unusual accomplishment for a student. On the off-chance that I alert the wrong person before April 18th, when I will stand at the podium and honor this woman, I won't say who we picked. Geeze - that means I can't even allude to our choice in any significant way! Well, part of some forms of creative writing is finding a way to say what one needs to say inside a certain structure, or under certain limitations. So, I'll give it a shot.
These two women sitting with me - both staff, one from the IT department, the other, director of admissions, were sharing their stories with me. Both are working mothers, as is our recipient (See? That doesn't drastically narrow it. There are lots of working moms - both students, faculty, staff on campus.). Both have affected me by the way they carry themselves, as has our recipient. And both admitted to me certain difficulties in their jobs that they believe are woman-specific. Strangely enough, those difficulties have arisen from dealing with other women, or one woman in particular, who demands of them that they show no emotion that might point to a weakness. In other words, no emotion that's thought of as "feminine."
I think that's why this certain, hyper-critical woman seems to like me -- most of the time. She likes me because she knows a bit of my history, and she knows I minimize pain and other challenges. I don't think that she likes that I express my opinions and never flinch. And though I tend to respond rather evenly to criticism and have a pragmatic, solution-oriented approach to others who bring a problem to me, I'd like to reserve my right to express myself in any way that I see fit.
I suppose the conversation yesterday combined with my discomfort at being the center of attention on campus lately has me thinking, and in large measure, I was expressing ego that I feel is inappropriate or impolite and not in line with the view I wish others to have of me. And therein lies the rub. I am trying to spin a situation that requires no spin. Saying thank you is a very appropriate response. Answering questions honestly is not so hard. What's honest? I'm just putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to create too much friction in the Universe, just follow where it leads me.
It's led me to a place that I love. I love my life, with all its challenges. Maybe because of all of its challenges. It's a lot easier to live in a state of gratitude knowing that faith and hard work pay off, that people are essentially good and supportive of each other and will help you when you need it, that you can make time to help another person along the way, and it doesn't take from you but rather adds to you.
I just don't get why I feel the need to whine in order to say it. Perhaps I'm saying, "Yes, I have ego, but I have something else, too, something that makes me appreciate even the smallest things, like the chickadees that empty my feeder at a rate that defies their small size, and I'd like others to know that." Or appreciate a woman taking me by the hand and showing empathy, excitement, sharing joy and sorrow, and saying to hell with how someone else expects her to act.
I need to have an outburst every once in awhile. I reserve that right.
Till later...
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